Wednesday, December 28, 2016
I have been writing a lot lately as I wait for another cardiac procedure. never a day goes by that i dont think about the journey. What I have learned and shared. Its humbling everyday to me to reach so many with our Bestselling book Twenty-Seconds....
Here is a sample of the next book coming in spring 2017
"DYING FOR FORGIVENESS"
some brief samples...I hope you enjoy them as much as I did writing them.
"If you could only understand the magic between us...it's nearly impossible to instill in you the level of my love for Carol. Maybe when I hold her as long as I've been scarred, then I will replace everything that hurt with everything that heals. I wont apologize for loving like this in life, hell, most would be envious.
I knew everything about me as a man when I held her in my arms...it is and always has been profound. I've touched and kissed every part of her body and I'm grateful for every inch.
It always seemed as a kid I never asked for advise except on one issue. It seems funny to me now in retrospect that it was the only question I ever asked about life
" How do you know when you find the "one"?
I asked it of everyone I respected and loved , over and over Never getting the same answer and for some, non at all. "You'll know" was a common answer. So mysterious and secret it seemed. But all so true when it finally hits you.
The perceived flaws she sees became the softest parts of my love for her. But there's so much more.
When you shake every time you see them. When their touch moves you to ecstasy. When their eyes, heart and soul know you so well that your vulnerability cracks and your true light emerges. You have found it. I love being weak in the knees with Carol...I love that I crave her.
There's something in the way we touch or should I say melt. It is raw and powerful, bordering on erotic. I've never been able to put words to the softness of her lips and the tenderness of her kiss. The gentle curve in her hip, that remarkable crease. The curve I hold and love like the very curve of the earth. Her very breath feeds me, her coos and moans shake me but her reaction when I touch her....Life altering.
All those people were right as a kid...but let me be more specific for you.
When a woman can make you cry as a child, laugh like a sailor and shake like a leaf...yea, you found it.
The good, the bad, the ugly and the magnificent. The quetion is- Do we have what it takes to commit and honor to put in what needs to be done. Try stopping us.
It really isnt about completing each other, or even to just wanting one another. The real magic happens when you wade into the cool rivers of the truest courage known to man. To actually need one another without fear. Without judgement. No mission to fix one another or repair the dents and scars. Only a touch and solemn vow that these "dents" need no repair, but never again will you run your hands over them alone ever again. I got your back, I got your side and within that commitment lies a future beyond comprehension.
Why? Because we stayed. A french stubbornness in both you just have to love.
We can deny ourselves of many things in life. But never a touch so pure, a love so potent. Rapture and awe at its very core. We can metaphorically say or even mean it when we say..."she saved my life". But Carol literally did and does everyday.
Like two old shoes drying in the sun. With our worn soles and shaky eyelets and most certainly our tattered laces, we belong together...stink and all. A love so un-comparable.
I honestly dont know what happened a few months ago to cause our separation. But I know its been healthy. I dont know if it was the brain cyst, hiv related brain changes,the constant calling home of being an nder, depression, or just six years of continual trauma. Non are excuses, but each powerful in their own rite. But one thing has been absolute. The power of this love to make me feel alive. A gift quite honestly I was scared of, a gift I took for granted with a tired mind, body and soul.
At some point in my NDE peering over the edge I discovered true love. But a different love than I had ever known. Not one of selfishness but selflessness. One of purity and grace, where everyone's peace around me means more than my own. You cant help it really...most may not get it, some would say "what about you" and I get it but I honestly cant help it. It happened in that realm and im not sure it needs fixing. The real truth is that true love is more about others than yours. That was the piece I always missed as a child. It wasnt just finding the one...you see as a child what I missed was the truth we all one day find. Not in finding the one, but in being the one yourself. It took me 48 years to take responsibility for continual lessons of lost commitment. Maybe peering over the edge does it...who knows...but one things evident. My gratitude for all of it.
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