If you could truly understand the magic between us...It is nearly impossible to instill in words the power...but as always...I DO LIKE TO TRY...
I value the real...the vulnerable...I think its a missing link today...quite honestly I suspect the very moment in time when our world changed was when Vulnerability became a weakness...It seems to beg to be heard...
I dedicate this to the love of my life...after 4 months separated we pulled through things most might never even consider let alone make it through. My fragile body fails me, and i try to hide it...It has been a tennis match between Carol and I...but like all things that MATTER...WE STAYED...We put in the work and we survived....On March 1 we moved back in together.
I used to leave two pennies everywhere for Carol. A private joke from our first date...Like two old pennies...Today I now leave her two dimes. I believe, in fact know...That we are 10X stronger for all of it.
Here are some thoughts that I wrote
I hope you enjoy
You may see them appear in a book soon...
CAROLS COMPASS: The heart of the matter
"Maybe when I hold her in my arms for as long as I have been scared...Then I will replace everything that hurt with everything that heals.." Rmt
I knew everything about me as a man when I held her in my arms. It is and always has been profound for me. I've touched and kissed every part of her body and I am grateful for every bit of it. It is a love so strong it fulfills every cell of my body...permeating every aspect of my being..
We have touched each-others "broken" and we STAYED. There will be more challenges in our life together but we know, we will always be there for each other. Sometimes we all need a little time, sometimes distance..But we all need the love...It has become not only intuitive this need, but now scientific. Over and over now we are finding the importance of the mere confidence of loving and being loved. The power of it all is nearly staggering. The question will always be wrestling with our cognitive bias I suspect.
It was the "secret" I always asked about as a kid. It seems like it was always the only question I asked repeatedly growing up....I rarely asked advice most of my life...I just figured it out...except this one looming thing that called me as a child. It was one question...
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU FIND THE "ONE"?
I asked it over and over. Never really getting a solid answer let alone the same answer from anyone. Some had no answers at all. Many just said "Oh.You'll know" with a coy chuckle. So mysterious, so secret and oh so true.
That moment is real when it hits you, and their perceived "flaws" are the softest parts of your love. When you literally shake every time you see them. When their very touch moves you to near ecstasy. When their eyes, heart and soul know you so well, that a vulnerability cracks wide open and your own light emerges...When you truly become one...YOU FOUND IT...
I love being weak in the knees with Carol,,,I love that I NEED her and WANT her....
What I have not enjoyed is the guilt and ridiculous fear that goes with "burdening " her with my illness. Yes, it is her choice and YES, It is my guilt...It just seems to be the one after effect of the nde I cant seem to explain correctly. When your life is literally hanging by a thread...the entire world becomes about everyone else. It was irrefutable with me. It is a beautiful gift and a savage curse in a way to adjust.
At some point in my nde I learned about love, but a different one that I had always known. One of purity and grace where everyone's welfare around me meant more than mine. It quite literally confuses me. Most wont get it until they have to, I certainly didn't, but the real truth about pure love is, its about others more than you and it is humbling. It is a selflessness and sacrifice beyond mortal words. The simplest fact of the matter I learned here was the basic driving force of unconditional love is in fact -sacrifice!!! Drop the mic.... Who knew...
or even wants to admit it!!!!!...but there it is. The truth!!!! Let me tell you something if you haven't been there. When you peer over the edge of mortality-YOUR PERSPECTIVE CHANGES.
I understand this about the world. Walking through the dark is the only way we appreciate if not recognize, finding the light.Carol saved me three years ago and continues to in exactly the right time , manner and sequence it seems. If the weakness in my knees doesn't fully detail my love for Carol. The synchronicity surely does. But as always what remains in the way for us at times and were learning...is the fear of truly being vulnerable with each other.
All that I have been....all that I have done, and all I will ever be was and is on a path to find her. So I might understand the courage and commitment required to honor it, you and myself.
I've never been able to explain right the softness of her lips or the velvet feel of her hips....That CREASE...that curve in her hip I hold onto like the very curve of the earth. Her very breath feeds me, Her coos and moans shake me. But her reaction when I touch her skin...Life altering. You just know.
You see, all those things I asked as a kid and were told weren't wrong or even elusive. In fact most of the answers were spot on, and I love that now at the tender young age of 48. But for the kids of the world out there like me, if your wondering.
When a woman can make you cry like a baby, laugh like a drunken sailor and shake like a leaf. Yea....YOU FOUND IT.The good, the bad, and yes, even the ugly but the oh so magnificent. The question is will we have the commitment and honor to put in what needs to be done.To make it work.
It's not "completing" one another or even to just "want" one another. The real magic happens when you wade into the coolest waters of vulnerability know to man. To actually "NEED" one another without fear. Without judgement. No urgent mission to fix one another or repair the dents and scrapes. Only a touch and a solemn vow to match your dignity that these "dents" need NO REPAIR. They are the beauty of the fabric inside and a life long promise is issued as you run your hands over the "flaws" with her hands intertwined. A whisper barely heard, but a promise held in the basement of time...Neither of us will ever run our hands over our scars ALONE...ever again.
Because we stayed. A french stubbornness in both of us that I am grateful for today.
We can deny ourselves of many things in life. But never a touch so pure, a love so potent. Rapture surely at its very core. Many have said it metaphorically but I mean it literally when I say..she saved my life. Like two old shoes lying in the sun, we just belong together. With our worn and tired souls,our shaky and losse eyelets and most certainly our tattered laces...We belong together....stink and all. That's when you know love to me.
She never swept me off my feet, she brought me to my knees and God watched. A moment I share with the world and importantly myself. To remind me of humility and my mistakes in trying to honor a power, a love so incomparable. I have made mistakes in my relationships..We all have. But we held on...we made changes where we needed to...we put in the work. One thing we learned was the absolute power of our love that made us both feel alive. A gift that scared me with a tired and weak body and mind.
I honor myself and our love today and moving forward with an additional promise to myself, my god and to carol that I will spend every day making sure she knows exactly why we held on. There will be more challenges, but there will be way more glory and we both feel the potential in each-others touch. I cannot wait for the sun each day to hit my face. I always whisper the same thing each time. Thank you. But today theres more gratitude in that "Thank You". There's more warmth in the sun it seems. That is why...." WE STAYED".
The truest gift I received in this life or the next was answering that childhood question. But the answer required a responsibility I first was uncomfortable with. The absolute answer wasn't in "finding" the ONE...But in fact being the one. That was the "oh, You'll know" truth of the answer I so desperately sought and the Holy Cow moment of my adult life. That, no one can help you find. I laugh at the irony that "NO WHERE IN YOUR COMFORT ZONE will you find it and I celebrate the potential of it all. I love my life, I am so grateful for it all...I sit here in this house once again reflecting on the journey, celebrating our resolve and strength together and realizing for the first time...I AM HOME !!!
All of my life I have reached for the stars...then one day my outstretched hands touched the face of God, I am so grateful to be able to share these thoughts and feeling with you all. If you have enjoyed anything you've read. Please feel free to comment, share or follow us. We believe in the power of human connectivity and we take responsibility for it...
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